nine ball flash
Your Stars by EDDIE FORTUNE JR
back home

Eddie Fortune Jr. is the most prolific astrologist in his field which is the niche market of Stars for Arts. His predictions and advice have helped thousands of actors, comedians and mimes. Last week we at LBTotN (luke burrage's thing on the net) contacted him about doing a weekly horoscope specifically for jugglers. He agreed but unfortunately his prices are slightly too high for us to handle just by our own means. We are looking for companies to sponsor this so we can keep it going after this one free sample. If you like what you read below, please contact us at stars@lukeburrage.co.uk

Your Stars for the week beginning 2nd April, 2001 by EDDIE FORTUNE JR

Aries March 21 - April 19

This week may be very productive for you. You may find that you can pick up new tricks quicker than normal so have a go at those tricks you have always wanted to do but never quite had the patience to learn. But be careful, don't neglect the what you have been practicing as asteroid B19701402 is in Aries at the moment.


Taurus April 20 - May 20

This week there may be a new prop in your life. You may soon want another one so you can try two at once but unfortunately yours was the last one, the ex-display model. Be content with what you have, one is better than none at all.


Gemini May 21 - June 21

Your twin may take up juggling. You may start club passing with your twin. Your twin may suggest you should enter a talent contest with a club passing act. If so you will win. Congratulate yourself in advance but be careful, your twin may steal the cash prize and spend it on a set of jugglebug clubs. Laugh in your twins face when told of painful hands.


Cancer June 22 - July 22

This week you may meet with success on your attempts at n+1 balls. Do not let your practicing with n+1 stand in the way of practicing n-2 mills mess pattern as the moon rises in Pisces for the next five nights. However, after the five nights are up you may have given up juggling all together and taken up chess instead.


Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Boast to all your friends. Claim you have made more catches with a higher number of objects than you can actually do. Tell them you can't show them straight away because you don't have your own props with you. This may vastly improve your juggling ability through positive thinking and the fact that you will practice like mad to get that extra catch before you meet your friends again.


Virgo Aug 23 - Sept. 22

This week you may finally get that trick you have been working on. Take heed to the guidance offered to you by better jugglers but beware of the advise of your mother. What she may have used to do in the playground _is_not_ a three ball cascade; it is more like a three ball shower. This is a much harder trick which you may try in a few months when Jupiter passes into Virgo.


Libra Sept. 23 - Oct. 23

For better success with the opposite sex you may invent a new kind of juggling apparatus. It should be very flowing, very graceful and very easy. If you are male the ladies may approach you to try it and if you are female the men may ogle you. Make sure the prop is totally original or otherwise someone else may get out theirs and proceed to do it a lot better than you.


Scorpio Oct. 24 - Nov. 21

Mars is in Scorpio this week so, you know, just forget it.


Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

A friend may boast to you that they have made lots more catches with a higher number of objects than you have seen them do before. Ask them to show you but if they do not have their props and/or have a birthday around about August do not believe them for a second. However, make out that you believe them so they think you are impressed and therefore spend every waking moment practicing to achieve their claim before they see you next.


Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

You may come into a lot of money this week but then again probably not. If you do, spend it on a new wardrobe and quit wearing those shite juggling convention t-shirts. And those big hats. And those patchwork trousers. And those awful "comedy" waistcoats. Loser.


Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Whatever you are thinking about doing this week, do the total opposite. In fact, go against every thought and instinct you have, do what comes most un-naturally and set unexpected aims for yourself, only to try and miss them. This may improve your juggling. It may not. Who knows? It will be fun to try though.


Pisces Feb. 19 - March 20

Watch out for a new kind of juggling apparatus. It may look impressive, flowing and graceful. Unfortunately, it is actually piss easy to do and the user of this prop is actually a sex starved and just wants a bit of attention, leading to casual fornication. Therefore make sure your stares are not translated into ogling. On an unrelated note, you will be killed in an accident this week involving an eighteen wheeled truck. Don't think you are safe indoors, those big rigs can plough through a house no problem.

2001 Luke Burrage